Thursday, March 14, 2019

MORE TRUE STORIES AND A COUPLE OF LIES Jack Blanchard's Column, March 14, 2019

  Thousands of intelligent good-looking readers


Politicians are my heroes.
They are honest, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent servants of the public.
They manage to get by on the same old enormous salaries until they croak.
I love Republicans and Democrats equally.
They ought to have two co-presidents, one from each major party.
Twice as much brain power!
I try to divide up my day in such a way
as to be conservative on the odd hours and liberal during the even ones.
I would vote twice if I could. They deserve our encouragement.
They are always welcome at our home  if they can find out where it is.
*      *      *
I did hard labor for minimum wage at the Dunlop tire factory.
They had these giant molds that formed huge tractor tires.
The molds had to be cleaned.
Pieces of rubber and dirt that got in them would make the tires come out funny.
The molds looked like the world's biggest waffle irons.
My job was this: I'd put on a big protective mask and gloves,
grab a thick hose with a ten pound nozzle,
climb a ladder, bend over, lean into the mold, and start sand blasting. It was LOUD!
At this point somebody would usually poke me on the butt.
I'd jump, bang my head, turn off the pressure hose, back down the ladder,
take off the mask, and look around. Nobody was ever there.
I saw little smiles on some of the faces at break time.
*      *      *
Once I was so desperate to rid myself of writer's block
that I went to a hypnotist. Just as he went into his hypnosis act
somebody started a motorcycle right outside his window.
I couldn't hear anything he said.
The hypnotist pretended he didn't hear it,
and kept on going so he could charge me full price.
*      *      *
After the week's shows in Atlanta, Boots Randolph threw a party for the artists.
Later in the party some medics rushed in with a stretcher.
Roy Clark grinned, raised his glass and said goodby to everybody.
He got on the stretcher and was rushed to the airport in an ambulance.
He had a plane to catch.
*      *      *
A lady pointed at my leather vest and said, "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?"
I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you."
*      *      *
A Wendy's cashier demanded that I show ID
to prove that I was NOT eligible for the senior discount.

Jack Blanchard

Jack Blanchard & Misty Morgan...
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Billboard Duet of the Year, Grammy and CMA Finalists. 

© Jack Blanchard, 2019

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