Jack Blanchard's Column February 22, 2017

A MEDICAL MYSTERY.

Written after a hospital visit in 2008.

Here's a weird little episode from my recent week at the hospital.
I was told not to eat or drink anything
for twelve hours before checking in.
After checking in there was a six hour delay before my surgery,
and then more hours of no eating or drinking
during surgery and after it was over.

I woke up starving and thirsty,
but there was a sign on my room door that said "NPO".

NPO is an abbreviation of the Latin "Non per os"

or "Nothing by mouth".

This is like the Catholics calling the Bingo numbers in Latin

so the Protestants can't win.

I had a new nurse who was friendly enough,

but not the type who would sneak you stuff.

She said I would probably get food and drink soon,

but not to have anything until she found out for sure..

A few minutes later a tray of beautiful food was wheeled in.

I thought that maybe the nurse had worked it out for me,

but I also thought that it might be a mistake.

I put that out of my mind and began eating.

Just then the nurse walked in and said "Who gave you that food?"

Between gulps I said "Didn't you order it?"

She raised her voice and said, "I gave you specific orders not to eat..."

I started eating faster.

She was getting louder
when I noticed a huge cherry cobbler on the far side of the tray
and went for it.

She yelled and I ate at full speed ahead.

She threw up her hands and stormed out of the room.

Speaking of "threw up",

later that night I barfed up something that appeared to be extra-terrestrial,

and the whole hospital went into red alert.

They rushed samples of my output to the lab,

and somebody thought I was poisoned.

Someone else mentioned carbolic acid,
and others suspected internal bleeding.

I had a crowd around my bed
and staff members running in and out of the room.

Then the news came back from the laboratory:

"No sign of poison, blood or anything harmful."

I guess the lab technicians weren't looking for cherry cobbler.

Jack Blanchard

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